Things I Typed On The Internet

Context would only ruin this beautiful text message I received.

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:16:35 -0500

Context would only ruin this beautiful text message I received.

Eat your heart out, mariachi bands. You’re not the only...

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:59:08 -0500

Eat your heart out, mariachi bands. You’re not the only subway entertainment in town.

Originally printed in the Fairfield Gazette, November 11, 2011

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:13:55 -0500

An Open Letter to the Citizens of Fairfield, Idaho

Recently, horrible events involving the abuse of children have come to light at Penn State University. We at Sandusky Daycare would like to make it very clear that we are in no way affiliated with Jerry Sandusky. It is extremely unfortunate that the crimes perpetrated by Mr. Sandusky (not Charles Sandusky, owner of Sandusky Daycare) happen to involve children and also the name Sandusky.

We have been a trusted member of the Fairfield community since 1978. We have an excellent record of safely caring for your children. Child safety is our number one concern. It always has been and it always will be.

To answer some concerns that have been voiced in the past week, we would like to state that the Fairfield Sandusky family does contain a Gary and a Jamie, but none of us are named Jerry, so you can feel exceptionally confident that your children will not come in contact with Jerry Sandusky. None of the Fairfield Sandusky family members are in any way related to Jerry Sandusky. An ancestry.com account has been created and utilized to insure that Jerry Sandusky is a part of an entirely different branch of the Sandusky family.

We would just like to reiterate that there is no reason to stop sending your children to Sandusky Daycare. They are completely safe and will have no negative effects from being cared for by our staff. In the spirit of full disclosure, we did employ a man named Jerry to perform custodial duties around the building, but he has been let go. Thank you for your time. We will not molest your children.

Charles Sandusky
Owner, Sandusky Daycare

For you other comedy nerds, eight episodes of An Evening at the Improv are up on Hulu right now.

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 13:53:35 -0400

For you other comedy nerds, eight episodes of An Evening at the Improv are up on Hulu right now.

Have you ever seen Big Bang Theory? Is it funny?

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 11:55:29 -0400

My Friend: “imagine 2 and a half men but with ‘nerds’ instead of charlie sheen”

Me: “So, it’s the shittiest show ever, but with nerds?”

Matt Ruby made this video based off of the following image...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 17:44:25 -0400

Matt Ruby made this video based off of the following image (http://i.imgur.com/lw4Uw.gif). Jared Logan is perfect.

I wrote one of these.

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 19:11:28 -0400

I wrote one of these.

This is fun.

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 17:15:05 -0400

This is fun.

You’ve all been waiting for it, so here’s my...

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 10:06:53 -0400

You’ve all been waiting for it, so here’s my official review of the Green Lantern movie. Warning: spoilers!

The second season of Louie starts 06/23 at 10:30pm. Prove to...

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 12:26:16 -0400

The second season of Louie starts 06/23 at 10:30pm. Prove to yourself that you love yourself by watching it.

This is a good thing. Watch it.

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 12:18:01 -0400

This is a good thing. Watch it.

I was on a podcast.

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 09:35:32 -0500

I was on a podcast.:

Craig, my second favorite Mahoney, behind the lovable scamp that starred in the Police Academy movies, had me on his podcast, and we talked about things! That sentence was long. Please listen to the podcast. I love you.

I unironically like this.

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 01:12:46 -0500

I unironically like this.

I found my new lawyer.

Sat, 06 Nov 2010 18:36:00 -0400

I found my new lawyer.

Banksy did the latest opening sequence for The Simpsons, and it...

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 01:15:51 -0400

Banksy did the latest opening sequence for The Simpsons, and it is amazing.

Chris Laker is funny.

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:48:49 -0400

Chris Laker is funny.

Todd Barry gives sex advice, and just like Chipotle, he hits it out of the park.

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 10:16:00 -0400

Todd Barry gives sex advice, and just like Chipotle, he hits it out of the park.

Japanese Spider-Man! I want to see an entire series about...

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:31:41 -0400

Japanese Spider-Man! I want to see an entire series about Professor Monster. On a completely related note, guess who has a new name for their penis?

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 08:57:59 -0400

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Watch Louie already. Jesus...

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:46:00 -0400

Watch Louie already. Jesus...:

It’s over, guys. Louie won. It’s officially the best thing on TV right now. Sorry, other shows. If it doesn’t win all of the awards ever, it will be a travesty.